Trish Stratus

Cast: Jason (Wee-Man) Acuña, Erik Estrada, La Toya Jackson, Trish Stratus, Jack Osbourne

"Muncie, Indiana,” intones the narrator of Armed & Famous, “A world away from Hollywood.” To illustrate, the show provides a smattering of small-towny images juxtaposed with big urban excess: a squirrel munches a nut as a car screeches off in some background. Local, farmer-looking fellows watch a limousine whoosh by. Yep, they nod patiently, those would be the city folks. But not just any city folks. These are rich, self-important has-beens and never-weres, the B- and C-listers whose troubled pasts and well-known “attitudes” are sure to make them entertaining objects of derision. However much the show trumps up Muncie’s country-ness, the point is to underline the stars’ definitive offensiveness. One by one, each describes his or her reason for being in this program (and none says he’s doing it for money or for yet another chance at limelight). Erik Estrada juts his chin just a little and confesses, “As a child, I had the desire to be a cop. I’ve had some preparation from my days of CHiPs, but that was make believe. This is the real deal.” Make that the reality TV deal. Also offering herself up for scrutiny, “recording artist and author” La Toya Jackson (for whom I confess an abiding affection) sashays through fog and cruiser lights, her black uniform bulky but weirdly sexy too, her black headband recalling her aerobics instructing days. After a couple of old cheesecakey La Toya shots, a cowboy-hatted La Toya speaks: “All my life, I’ve wanted to do two things. I’ve wanted to work at McDonalds and I’ve always wanted to be a police officer.” Is she lying or what? Titled “Never Thought I’d Get Handcuffed by a Jackson,” the first episode of Armed & Famous is suitably campy and sentimental, granting its celebreality stars some all-important opportunities to surprise the rest of us: they’re not-bad cadets. (Given the usual trajectory of reality shows, you might imagine theirs will not be a consistent display of good works and altruism.) The show is more like Celebrity Fit Club than Flavor of Love, asking its stars to tone down rather than act out. It’s disturbing but it’s not ugly. Following their emergence from their sleek stretch limo into the glare of Muncie daylight, the five celebrities will, the voiceover asserts, become “actual police officers.” During their first few days in Muncie, the newbies learn to “protect and serve,” carefully observed by their trainers. Sgt. Rick Eber cracks wise as soon as they file into his classroom. They’ll have to meet “real standards,” he says, whatever that means. Looking directly at Jason Wee-Man Acuña, “Jackass around here and you’ll see where it gets ya.” Urgh. (Similarly informed that she “can’t sing and dance [her] way out of this one,” La Toya marvels: “Wow! They don’t play!") Wee-Man does not, in fact, “jackass around” during his training. He even earns an “excellent” when he practices “vehicle stops, pulling over a motorist and disarming him inside his car. (Looking on, La Toya confesses, “I’m not physical. I don’t like falling on the ground.") And just so you don’t think Wee-Man has wimped out to be a cop, he spends an evening at a local bar, whooped and hollered at by a crowd of bare-chested, beer-drinking fans: “Everybody here knows that I’m here to take police work seriously, right!?” he asks. “I also take partying seriously!” His life change may take more effort than this show. Turns out that my girl La Toya is among the sharpest shooters of the group. She means to prove herself; a phone conversation with her brother—his voice-only identified as “Jackie Jackson") suggests how much she wants to show her “other side”: “Why can’t you see me being a police?” she asks, her voice rising plaintively. She adds, “Don’t tell mother,” because she wants to surprise the family with her newfound skills. (Their conversation is unnecessarily subtitled, making La Toya seem even more “foreign” than she might otherwise.) Though La Toya swears she’s never handled a gun before, she bulls-eyes her target repeatedly, earning huzzahs from her instructor and her fellows, including expert (who knew?) shooter Jack Osbourne (introduced as from The Osbournes, because the show is his claim to celebrity). He says he’s come to test his mettle, that is, to bask in “the brotherhood, the camaraderie, the danger” of copdom. He also wants to show off his new svelte form, now that he’s no longer “a lazy overweight drug addict.” (He also says he shot his sister when he was eight, by way of describing his experience with guns.) Jack does look great, certainly more convincing as a do-gooder than “seven-time WWE Wrestling champion Trish Stratus, who introduces herself by saying she wants to “kick ass and take names: Stratusfaction guaranteed!” While the other “real cops” encounter dicey situations during their first nights out among the population, Stratus comforts a family whose house and Christmas tree have burned down. As the dad, mom, and kids look mostly dazed, she asks for a hug and then tells us how much it meant to her to be able to be the “counselor.” Stratus does take the 50,000 volt tasering like a “total boy,” but she’s not nearly so entertaining as Ponch’s big Shatneresque scene. (As Jack Osbourne explains, it’s illegal to carry a taser in Indiana unless you’ve been tasered, a law that sounds like it opens up all kinds of windows for taserees without badges.) But again it’s La Toya who entertains best, eating in a restaurant without tablecloths ("At home I eat at Spagos, I eat at Mr. Chows. In Muncie, I’m learning to adjust") and getting so rough with her “physical tactics” that she has Jack whining, “La Toya’s scaring the hell out of me!” You kind of hope her family is watching, that they’ll be scared, that they’ll treat her right. Otherwise, she might have to start handcuffing them.

WWE RETURNING TO PUERTO RICO, TRISH STRATUS POPS UP AT WWE EVENT AND MORE WWE NEWS

The top thing being previewed for tonight's Monday Night Raw is "Donald vs. Rosie". Seriously. Former WWE Women's champion Trish Stratus was backstage visiting at yesterday's Smackdown/ECW house show in Muncie, Indiana. Stratus is currently in Muncie filming her "Armed & Famous" reality series that will debut this Wednesday on CBS. She was simply visiting friends. The CBS series did not have a camera crew on hand for the visit. Manuel Gonzales sent word that WWE return to Puerto Rico on 3/8 for a Raw house show. Carlos Colón's World Wrestling Council will handle local promotion for the show, featuring ticket prices of $70, $50, $35 and $25. Tickets will go on sale 1/27 via Ticketpop. Tommy Dreamer's latest "Diary of Violence" blog on the ECW.com website features Dreamer discussing that he's ready to throw the towel in on his column. They are running a poll asking fans whether they want to see it continue or not. Isn't this the second time they've done that with the article? Dreamer also noted he's currently very sick with the flu, although he worked last night's house show. WWE developmental tag team Deuce and Domino are on the road for the current Smackdown/ECW swing. Deuce is the son of Jimmy Snuka. There's been talk of moving them up to the Smackdown brand for some time.

TRISH STRATUS TALKS ABOUT ARMED AND FAMOUS

Bob & Tom Show, Trish Stratus with LaToya Jackson, Erik Estrada, Jack Osborne, Wee Man. The entire Bob & Tom crew (Bob, Tom, Chick, and Kristy) were in the studio, as were all five celebrities of Armed and Famous. (Not difficult, as the show is filmed in Muncie and Bob & Tom are based in Indianapolis, 30 miles away). Tom described Armed & Dangerous. Chick complimented LaToya's butt. After Tom hoped he wouldn't say it, Chick then complimented Erik Estrada's butt. They talked about tonight's episode, where they have to go into a house with a suspected homicide. Wee Man was described as a monster of a man, and seemingly enjoyed kicking the arm of someone endangering LaToya. Finaly, they went to Trish, described as a former WWE champion. When asked how she did in training, she said she was a great shot, but must be a manhater because of wear her bullets went. Apparently, LaToya had much more trouble with shooting. Erik went on about how you can't redo anything. He described about going to an older lady's house, who had a crack pipe and crack cocaine and bookkeeping. She eventually, she recognized Erik and said she always wanted to meet him, and wanted to kiss him, beyond other things. They had a second segment. They said that all but Erik saw the first episode at once, who wanted to see it by himself at first. Trish said they were used to be nocturnal creatures, which is why they hadn't yet slept. Chick asked Jack what his dad (Ozzy) said, and he said Ozzy asked him if he'd had to shot people. Erik said that the Muncie police chief said that of all them, he'd like Jack to be a permanent police officer, something Jack is considering. Wee man that there were height issues for him, but it came to naught. They played a clip where Erik farted and Wee man said "Ponch just farted". They talked about how an Indiana law required everyone to be tasered first before they are allowed to use one themselves. LaToya sounded like she was overly enjoying herself after being tasered. Apparently, Trish was the only one who had been dart tasered. She was shot in the back She said she figured she wouldn't enjoy the pain anyway, so she decided to be the one who had the dart taser. After commenting on how stunning Trish was, he asked Trish if she was a popular wrestling partner during the police training, but she said it was no big deal. (It was revealed during the segment that the Indiana law about needed to be tasreed was just a rib; most of the regular officers had never been tasered. They talked about how LaToya got a phone call from a brother, and how she had to hide the fact she was a police officer. They later said how they'd later have to go to court when the perps they arrested went to court. They also discussed LaToya about restaurants, and whether the guys were hit on by the ladies during the filming. Tom also described having shared the stage with Ozzy, and how he saw a big pimple on Ozzy's back. LaToya's biggest surprise was how much drugs were on the street, and how they kept arresting the same people. Bob asked if it was a "recurring role".

Erik's biggest surprise was how many lies people told. Jack Osborne's biggest surprise was the same as Erik's, and how they automatically BSed about what they did. They talked about how much Jack had changed since his father's reality show and now. Wee Man's question was whether it was easier to do the stunts when short; he said he didn't know as he was never tall.

TRISH STRATUS' REALITY SERIES 'ARMED & FAMOUS' PREMIERES TONIGHT ON CBS

Trish Stratus' new CBS reality series "Armed & Famous" will debut tonight 1/10 at 8 PM. The series, which follows the exploits of celebrities to train and become reserve police officers in Muncie, Indiana, will also feature actor Erik Estrada, professional skateboarder Jason "Wee Man" Acuna, The Osbournes star Jack Osbourne, and singer La Toya Jackson. After the premiere, a second episode will air Thursday 1/11 at 8 PM. The remaining episodes of the series will air weekly on Wednesdays at 8 PM starting 1/17. The series will run seven episodes. There have been a number of reviews for the series in various media outlets over the last 24 hours, none of them extremely flattering.

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